Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
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My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
hmm conte-me mais
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.