My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
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Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.