Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Best table by far
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
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Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.