Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
You Might Also Like
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.