If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Happy thanksgiving
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow