I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
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Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.