I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
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Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Mornin. * use accordingly
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?