I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
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hmm conte-me mais
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I need better friends
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…