[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
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My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you