Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
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Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
They’re really bad with fonts.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”