Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
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Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.