So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
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A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?