Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.