Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
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Based Erika
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?