I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body