My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
December birthdays be like…
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start