[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Put the is in disheveled
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho