Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
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Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
pictures of spider-man
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.