17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
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wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me irl
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery