*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
some things should go without saying
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.