I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
this is the best interaction on twitter
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you