i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
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Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I am also baked goods
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
WTF
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”