FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣