Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
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My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.