Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
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Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Choose your fighter
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though