me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Don’t talk down to me
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.