6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
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Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*