Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
You Might Also Like
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
#StillHurts
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.