[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.