There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
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*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?