Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.