Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
You Might Also Like
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
British websites use biscuits.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room