We are the people our parents warned us about.
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interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
😂😂😂
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
relationship goals
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”