Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here