True
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Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.