Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.