There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
You Might Also Like
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1