Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Omg 🤣
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt