I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Holy moly
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude