Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
You Might Also Like
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Erm…
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.