If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
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Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Trying
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children