me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
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Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I put the p in pants.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out