[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
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Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.