Story of my life…..
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
This is sending me to another galaxy
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.