If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
How to wake up a Beagle
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.