I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
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sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I ate everything, including the H.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner