5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<