I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
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Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Why soy sad?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use