You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock