Don’t make me out nice you.
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Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.